This Immortal Coil
by E.J-imagination
Summary: What happens in situations not even Helen Magnus can cope with rationally? What happens when her façade crumbles behind closed doors? And how did she deal with Ashley's death? WARNINGS: self-harm but also see A/N inside


**This Immortal Coil**

Summary:  
What happens in situations not even Helen Magnus can cope with rationally?  
What happens when her façade crumbles behind closed doors?  
WARNING: self harm, TALK of suicide

**A/N: Despite my opinion that this is not actual AU-ish, some of you might think so and that's perfectly fine.  
Please beware, it tends to be kinda graphic from time to time, hence the rating.  
I do not want to cause any relapse since I know how horrible they are.  
Set in season 2 right after Ashley's death.  
Title is an adaption from Shakespeare's 'This mortal coil' … you get the irony ^^**

**Ah, right, not beta-ed.**

DISCLAIM:

I do not own any of the characters.  
All belongs to SyFy, unfortunately.  
If SANCTUARY were part of my Television Network there would definitely be season 5 and season 6 by now!

* * *

I am sitting in my bathroom, atop the bathtub.  
I couldn't decide yet if I would need to sit inside the tub or if there would be only so much blood today that some paper towels are enough to clean up the mess.

The object lying in my hand reflects the soft candle light and despite it only weighing a few grams it feels like tons of steel that rest on my palm.  
In fact it is ridiculous...

This instrument has the same basic purpose as the one John pressed to my throat over a century ago – it's for shaving.

And yet I cannot stop to shake my head at the irony lying within...  
After all this tiny, shiny blade doesn't make me feel fear or pain as it did back then. I means calmness and relief now.

I decide to better be save than sorry and lower myself into the bathtub.

As soon as I press the thin blade against my thigh this well known, tingling sensation is back.  
The one that allows me to focus again … and feel...

Right now there are so many thoughts running through my head that I do not know where to start solving them, but I know that this sharp pain of opened skin will help me concentrate and calm down my nerves again.

I look down to my legs.

Old, already white scars mar my thighs, given record of previously lost battles.  
Then the red catches my eye.  
I dig deeper into the wound, cause more blood to ooze out.

While I watch it, taking in all the hurry and urge that drains out of me, I remember, that by tomorrow evening, or the day after only scars will remain due to my longlivety and advanced health.

Yes, they will still be pink but the process taking any ordinary human at least nine month will be completed in two weeks, top.

I add another cut, on the right side of the previous one but decide against absorbing the blood with a washing cloth.  
Just let it flow, the water will do the cleanup later.

So I simply watch the small blood streams running down my leg.

Suddenly a thought crushes my mind with such a force that my heart feels like being ripped apart.  
I can only contain the animalic scream with utmost effort and 100% of my willpower.

The funeral.  
Two hours ago.  
An empty coffin.  
Too many memories and untold stories.

I want this pain to go away!  
It's eating me, carving all the happiness away.  
All I want is my daughter back, for gods sake!

Desperately I dig the blade just below my armpit, where a bra can easily conceal the scar.

And it helps...  
For about one second.  
Then these agonizing, tormenting pictures are back and I can't help but make another cut while I start to remember...

Ashley's laughs... Her too fast mouth which got her into trouble more than once.  
The deep, deep love that got stronger the more I feared her death.  
Was it due to John's arrival or her being on a solo mission.  
She constantly forced my brain to worry sick.

I hear her say "Dimittere oportet est nobis ut porro vivamus."  
[**A/N So****r****ry, I know that it's not the original quote but I couldn't stand this mixture of wrong Latin and English. Therefore I changed it...]**

**_SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY_**

Ashley, I do try to let you go and move on, but it is not this easy!

I have outlived so many people who were once close to me.  
Visited each funeral, no matter how much it hurt.

I _was_ prepared for this moment!  
I knew I would live well past your death.  
I braced myself for this day since the second I made the decision to carry you full term.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

I feel a tear slipping from the corner of my eye.  
It falls down from my chin onto the second cut I made tonight.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

And yet your death came far too early, far too unprepared, Ashley.  
I always hoped we would grow old together and I would whisper soothing words into your ear – how we would be reunited one day again – while your soul left your body.

But now you died without any prior warning, in a situation where you sacrificed your own life to save ours.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

The torturing pain comes in waves and tight now another one hits me right where it hurts most.

I need something, _anything_ to numb this agony, this emptiness inside.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

At the funeral I knew that I could not allow myself to shaw any weakness.  
I had to be the one to assure everyone else that things will be OK again.  
I guess if I too had started to cry, Henry would've lost it completely.

I vowed to myself I would never cry in front of others or show any kind of insecurity.

So I tend to take anger or the pain I feel inside out on myself in the privacy of my own rooms.  
My secret is hidden in here and will stay right here forever.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

I guess it started as soon as I figured out John has to be the Ripper.  
He became cold towards me, threatened me and sometimes even caused bruises.  
I will most likely never get this picture out of my head how he shoved me against the closest wall with a razor blade in his hand.  
Just as I expected him to cut my throat as he did with these women who were not respected in society, he rammed the thin steel next to my head into the wall.

The first moment I couldn't even breath, such a relief washed over me.  
One second later the doubts started.

Wasn't it me who was to blame?  
After all it was me who injected him the source blood...

And so harming or injuring myself became a coping-mechanism in situations I lost control and where rational thinking either didn't help or was impossible.

Just as my daughters death … where all I want is vengeance, bloody and unfair.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

Yet it is not always a blade that carves into my pale skin.  
There are subtle things that accompany me nearly every day.

It is common for me to blend in and out between bad eating habits, disordered eating and an eating disorder...

Sometimes this hunger, this starvation fills the void that EMPTINESS creates inside of me.

Bloody, hell, I am a doctor, I know.  
I should find better ways, much better ways than to fight emotional pain with physical one, but I am only a human being in the end.  
Immortal maybe, but still human.  
I feel everything you feel.  
My mind works just as yours, even so this isn't the case with every abnormal.

But I have to live through darkness and death just as anyone else.  
Only that it will never ever stop for me.

And this creates the EMPTINESS, the vacuum in my mind.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

I have endured wars, survived torture; I experienced severe dehydration leaving me behind with the knowledge what true thirst feels like and I nearly was starved to death once.

I saw governments rise and fall, warriors and heroes come and go.

I established friendships, just to bury each and every of my dearest.

After a while I struggled, then started to build protective walls and yet I never actually wanted to die.

I always believed I was given this gift, this unique power for a reason and despite of all the unimaginable things I survived I always wanted to use it to help, to cause good in the world.

Sure, I always linger on the borderline between life and death, but I _never_ wanted to die as desperately as I want to, now.

I am sitting so often on top of the North Tower, my feed dangling dangerously careless over the abyss, while William can't even force himself to risk a look over the edge.

I thought many times about what it would feel like to hit solid ground … Not that I would confess this to anyone else, but still.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

Someone once asked me if I'd take a pill that'd kill me in an instant without pain, without a way back.

I remember how long and intensely I thought about it until I finally answered:

_No, no I wouldn't take it.  
I would keep it in a secured place for me to use when desperation knows no enhancement._

Thank god this pill doesn't really exist, because I guess I'd make some wrong choices tonight.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

While I let my eyes travel through the room to ensure I don't look at my mutilated body, my gaze locks with a handful of canvases outside the bathroom.

The dim light that makes its way through the open door illuminates the paintings and unfinished sketches I haven't touched in a very long time.

Two years ago, if memory serves right.

Yet they show perfectly how I feel right at the moment:

Storms of colors, dark and light, heavy and petite brush lines.  
So many contradictions which finally form the larger picture.

It's somehow sad I lack time these days since I enjoy drawing very much.  
I get so lost that all my torturing thoughts simply disappear.

A sorrowful voice tells me that my beloved piano and violin are also untouched already for a decade.

_**SANCTUARY oooooooooo SANCTUARY**_

While I dry myself and bandage the wounds I decide to change things tonight.  
A soft lacy night gown covers me while I walk straight towards the violin case...

* * *

**A/N Thank you so much for reading this!  
I don't really want to beg for reviews but I am extremely interested in what you think about this one shot.**


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